I ask Eric: In our 70s we have a hard time making friends

Dear Eric: My husband and I are in our 70s and have retired to a new community. We are involved in church ministries and social groups that meet regularly for dinner. I volunteer and he is an avid golfer. My problem is that I am unable to convert new relationships into meaningful friendships. I have met many wonderful people, but I find it difficult to connect with anyone. Any suggestions? – Feeling isolated

Dear isolated person: I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you’re not alone. Many adults find it difficult to make the deep connections they desire, especially later in life or in new communities. I turned to my friend and friendship expert Anna Goldfarb, author of Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections.

Here’s what she advises:

“One of the best strategies for deepening a friendship is to provide what researchers call social identity support. This is about seeing the friends in all the roles they play in their lives: race, class, gender and religion. This could look like asking the children to try their favorite foods that they grew up with, involving them in your cultural traditions, and signaling to them that you want to be part of their traditions too.

Another strategy is to recruit someone in charge. Identify a meaningful goal that you both want to achieve – move your body more, learn to knit, watch every Matt Damon movie in chronological order – whatever you like. Your friendship will deepen as you cheer each other on because you will become more invested in your successes.”

Goldfarb told me, and I agree, that you’re off to a great start. So you should congratulate yourself for making the effort and keep trying. It’s not always easy or as straightforward as we would like, but you are on the right track.

Dear Eric: I like your column and would like to comment on Game Off’s letter about her frustrations with her 10-year-old great-nephew playing video games on the family vacation. I agree that family time is important and that she should work something out with her niece in her own home so that she can spend time with her great-nephew when she visits.

However, she is completely out of touch when it comes to gaming. Many colleges now have competitive gaming teams supported by computer science and graphic design departments, and they operate out of the athletics department like other teams – it’s called “e-sports” and is becoming big business. Your great-nephew could later be on the path to a successful career through gaming. – Playtime

Dear Playtime: You’re right, it’s all about balance. The letter writer can and should communicate her needs and wishes regarding family visits. But she should also remain open to parenting decisions that she might not make under similar circumstances.

Additionally, while moderation is important when it comes to gaming decisions, you are correct that it is a growing and sometimes lucrative field of study and competition. The first esports college scholarship was awarded in 2014 and, according to the National Association of Collegiate Esports, there are currently more than 250 collegiate-level esports programs in the United States and Canada.

Dear Eric: I just love your column – read it every day. I don’t miss it because your advice is straightforward, direct, sensible and friendly. So I recognized myself in the letter from a friend of the woman who is so friendly and helpful to everyone, but rather controlling and animalistic towards her husband (“Bad Mouthing Do-Gooder”). Not as a friend, but as “the woman”, although fortunately not in such an exaggerated way.

However, I see that I have room for improvement in my relationship with my husband. He’s not perfect, as he’s a bit self-centered, but he’s a good guy with a lot of excellent qualities.

After reading this column, I took a deep breath, took a big step back, decided to let go, and then told myself, “I can be a better person.” I promised myself that I would do this, and this is my mantra: “Be a better person.” I appreciate your column and look forward to making changes as needed. – Living and learning

Dear Life and Learning: This is a beautiful answer to the sometimes difficult problem of being a person. I commend you for your willingness to be so open and vulnerable and advocate for change. I also want to encourage you not to be too hard on yourself. It’s great to identify places where you can grow, but it’s also okay to acknowledge places where you also need other people to make changes. The key is to discuss them with empathy and openness so that no one feels attacked and everyone feels heard.

Thank you also for your kind words about the column. I’m so glad it resonates with you.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Keep following him Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.